MATCH 6 - Bangladesh Vs Australia - Slow/Overcast - St Anne's 2nd XI Cricket Ground
Operation: PLEASE DON'T DISAPPOINT ROGER AGAIN
Venue: St Anne's 2nd XI Cricket Ground, South Africa - Pitch: Slow. Painfully slow. Some deliveries required forwarding addresses. Weather: Overcast Official attendance: 18,000 Which was extraordinary because the ground only appeared to have seating for about 63 people and a Labrador. Spectators were everywhere. 4,000 in surrounding trees 1,800 reportedly on elephants. Several thousand balanced on the boundary fence. 900 watching through the windows of vehicles parked behind cow corner. And one local resident had rented his garden shed out as a Corporate Hospitality Suite.
Roger looked around. “Eighteen thousand? At a second XI ground?” Davo nodded. “You should see what they've got sitting in the big tree behind long-on.” Roger: “What?” Davo: “Another grandstand.” 2nd XI TUCK SHOP Budget restrictions had hit hard. Today's South African delicacies included: The 2nd XI Boerewors Roll Half a sausage served inside yesterday's bread. The other half is being saved for tomorrow's fixture. The Economy Bunny Chow. Usually served inside a hollowed loaf. Here it's served inside a hollowed bread roll because that's all the budget allows. Reserve Grade Slap Chips. Six chips. Not six portions. Six actual chips. The 12th Man Coffee. One tea bag, eight cups, plenty of optimism. And the house special: THE ROGER MULLET MEAL DEAL
One dry sandwich, half a packet of crisps and a handwritten message: “PERFORM OR THIS IS YOUR CONTRACT NEXT SEASON.” Suddenly nobody was hungry. Two consecutive defeats. No Dutch cookies. No presidential speeches. No mysterious zebras. Nothing. Roger addressed the players before the toss. “Right, gentlemen. I've defended you for two matches.” Silence. “Admittedly, not very convincingly.” Longer silence. “Today I want runs. I want wickets. I want intensity. I want eleven blokes who actually appear familiar with cricket.” Davo raised his hand. “Anything else?” Roger: “Yes. If we lose again, I'm replacing half of them with people from that tree.” Several players looked towards long-on. The bloke sitting halfway up an acacia tree immediately started warming up.
AUSTRALIA BAT FIRST
Today's captain, The Village Elder, won the toss and batted. Out came Alarm Clock and The Italian Stallion after receiving Roger's tactical instructions: “Get the job done or I'll personally introduce you to the scrap heap.” The Italian Stallion immediately cracked a boundary. Alarm Clock... pressed snooze. Dot. Dot. Single. Possibly asleep. Then in the 9th over The Stallion attempted to pull a short ball. It was a poor shot, edged and caught. 23 from 36. Australia 36/1. Stallion walked past Roger. Roger: “What was that?” Stallion: “Short ball.” Roger: “I know what the ball was. I'm asking about the interpretive dance you performed underneath it.”
In came The Village Elder, striding purposefully towards the wicket like a man who remembered playing on slow pitches before they invented covers. He started moving the scoreboard. Singles. Twos. Boundaries. At the other end... Alarm Clock remained in power-saving mode. By the 22nd over Roger had removed his sunglasses and begun pointing meaningfully towards Alarm Clock. Alarm Clock noticed. FOUR, FOUR! Back-to-back boundaries! Roger slowly lowered his arm. Davo: “Inspirational coaching.” Roger: “Fear, Davo. The foundation of every successful dressing room.” After 25 overs: AUSTRALIA 108/1 The Village Elder: 39 from 50 & Alarm Clock: 37 from 64
Not so much an innings from Alarm Clock as a lengthy workplace nap with occasional cricket. Just after drinks The Village Elder misread the spin. THUD. PAD. LBW. Gone for 41 from 55. Australia's wise old captain trudged away. Roger: “Unlucky, Elder.” Village Elder smiled. Roger: “Don't smile. You're still on probation.” In came The Spreadsheet, freshly updated after previous computational difficulties. Spreadsheet v6.2. Autosave enabled. Spin calculations improved. Batting confidence restored. Previous catastrophic formulas deleted Unfortunately nobody installed the Fuller Delivery Patch. Bangladesh pitched it up. Spreadsheet miscalculated. CAUGHT FOR 10.
He stared at the pitch. Then the scoreboard. Then imaginary cells floating in front of him. #REF! Roger: “Ten bloody runs! What did your formula say?” Spreadsheet: “Projected 74.” Roger: “THEN BAT IN THE BLOODY PROJECTION.” Meanwhile Alarm Clock finally reached 50. Applause. Then... He missed one. Yep, plumb LBW. Gone for an extraordinary: 53 FROM 90 BALLS Possibly the slowest half-century ever witnessed at St Anne's 2nd XI Ground. And considering they'd only found the ground that morning... that's still impressive. Alarm Clock returned to the pavilion. Roger checked his watch. “Ninety balls? My last two defeats didn't feel that long.” Australia: 138/4 AFTER 33
Danger. Again. In came The Constitution and The Win Machine. Both knew they needed to impress Roger. Win Machine began firing. FOUR! Another boundary. System functioning beautifully. The Constitution took the sensible approach. Single a two, a dot, a single. Unfortunately, in the 40th over... The Constitution tried working one through backward square. Completely missed. LBW FOR 11. Australia 164/5. Roger looked towards Davo. “Amendment required.” Davo: “Which one?” Roger: “The one where he hits the bloody ball.” Australia were wobbling. Then out walked Now You See Him.
Normally, this nickname becomes worrying after about six deliveries. Not today. Today he wanted Roger's approval. FOUR! Then another. CRACK! Boundary. Suddenly: YOU COULD SEE HIM EVERYWHERE. Roger sat forward. “Who's that?” Davo: “Now You See Him.” Roger: “Well today I bloody well do.” For once, the magic trick wasn't disappearing. It was batting. The Win Machine provided an important 25 from 28, before finally shutting down in the 45th. Australia: 202/6. Enter Action Replay. First viewing? Boundary. Replay? Another boundary. Together with Now You See Him, he went after Bangladesh. At the close: AUSTRALIA 239/6 Now You See Him: 46 not out from 38 balls Action Replay: 20 not out from 14 balls.
On that slow pitch? Very competitive. Roger quickly gathered everyone together for a motivational speech. “239. Good recovery. Now listen carefully.” Everyone leaned in. “The last two games have been an embarrassment.” Heads dropped. “Tonight, I want to sit down, have a beer and not have to explain why we've lost again.” Roger pointed towards the field. “Go out there. Bowl straight. Catch everything. Stop boundaries.” Pause. “And for the love of God, make me look like I know what I'm doing.” The players charged towards the door. Davo stopped them. “One thing, lads.” Everyone turned. Davo calmly held up a drinks bottle. “Hydrate. There's eighteen thousand people outside, half of them are sitting in trees, Phar Lap's been gambling in Newcastle and Roger's one wicket away from a nervous breakdown.” Roger: “THANK YOU, DAVO.” Davo: “You little ripper.”
Australia opened with Phar Lap and Action Replay. There was, however, one small problem. Phar Lap had been to the TAB. Phar Lap had discovered Whoopi Do was running Race 3 at Newcastle at 100/1. Unable to resist, he'd galloped down to the local betting shop. Whoopi Do... SALUTED. Phar Lap returned to St Anne's with his pockets full of cash and his eyes bulging. He was absolutely PUMPED. Roger: “Where have you been?” Phar Lap: “Investment meeting.” Then he grabbed the new ball. First delivery: 150 KPH. Second: 150 KPH. Third: THUNDERBOLT. Batter didn't see it, batsmen out LBW for 0. The batter just stood there. By the time he'd located the ball...the umpire had already put his finger down again.
Roger punched the air. Phar Lap charged back. Davo: “He'll be buying the club by tea.” At the other end Action Replay was swinging the ball so violently it required its own air-traffic controller. Left-arm swing. Wide. Swing. Miss. Swing...EDGE! And The Spreadsheet takes it! Bangladesh: 15/2 AFTER 6 The Spreadsheet immediately calculated his catching percentage. Roger: “DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!” Dhawan had seen enough. He stated belting runs everywhere, four, six, four. Bangladesh suddenly attacked. Deep Fine Dread was getting absolutely carted. Roger started looking nervous. Then Deep Fine Dread came charging in... Dhawan inexplicably pulled out of the shot. The ball didn't. CRASH! BOWLED FOR 22. Dhawan stared at the wreckage. Furious. Deep Fine Dread smiled. “You can pull out, mate. Ball's already committed.”
Bangladesh: 50/3 AFTER 14 Das remained. Single. Dot, dot, single, block. It wasn't batting. It was Morse code. Then in the 22nd over Australia threw the ball to Now You See Him. He bowled a beautiful arm ball and the batter was completely fooled. BOWLED! Bangladesh 84/4. At drinks: 98/4 Australia were flying. Roger was smiling again. This worried everyone enormously. Slowly Bangladesh fought back. Runs accumulated. Das finally discovered where the boundary was. Roger's smile disappeared. 150... 160... 170... Australia started sweating.
Then in the 40th: ACTION REPLAY! Das finally gone, caught for a fighting 68. Bangladesh: 173/5 Still alive. Still dangerous. Roger began frantically searching near the umpire. Davo: “What are you doing?” Roger: “Looking for The Burrowing Spinner's hole.” Davo: “Why?” Roger: “If we lose this, I'm getting in it.” Next over. Dangerous all-rounder Rangachari on 52. Deep Fine Dread comes in. Shot in the air... And CAUGHT! Bangladesh 178/6. Roger abandoned the search for the hole. For now. Then came the spell that decided everything.
Action Replay steamed in. Pace. Swing. EDGE! OUT! Bangladesh: 184/7 Action Replay turned. Came in again. A magnificent delivery cut the next batter completely in half. Bat went one direction. Ball went the other. Stumps went absolutely everywhere. BOWLED! Bangladesh: 202/8 They were officially on life support. Roger was now pacing the boundary like an expectant father. “COME ON! ONE MORE!” Davo: “Need two, Roger.” Roger: “I KNOW THAT, DAVO!” The in the 48th over. Action Replay was at it again. Swinging. Fast. Unplayable. Stumps splattered. Five wickets for Action Replay 52/5 and Bangladesh 216/9.
Roger exploded from his chair. Sunglasses flew off. Clipboard airborne. A bloke sitting in the long-on tree caught it one-handed. Roger pointed at him: “YOU'RE IN THE SQUAD NEXT WEEK!” Next over... Now You See Him. Bangladesh's last batter tried desperately to survive but couldn't, it was all over. AUSTRALIA WIN BY 18 RUNS! THE LOSING STREAK IS OVER. Australia celebrated like they'd won a World Cup. Phar Lap celebrated like he'd won Race 3 at Newcastle at 100/1 $$$. Roger celebrated like he'd just discovered his coaching contract had been renewed. Davo... Had another drink.
HEROES OF THE DAY
ACTION REPLAY - 20 from 14 & 52/5. Batting impact. Five wickets. Match-winning performance.
NOW YOU SEE HIM - 46 from 38 & 42/2. Important late runs. Two wickets. Including the final nail.
MASTER COACH ROGER MULLET'S ASSESSMENT
Roger Mullet emerged from the dressing room absolutely glowing. He adjusted the mullet. Straightened the sunglasses. Cleared his throat.
“That's what happens when a team follows the Mullet Method.” Reporter: “What's the Mullet Method?” Roger paused. “I haven't completely documented it yet.” Another pause. “But apparently it involves threatening everyone with the 2nd XI.” Roger continued: “Action Replay was magnificent. Five wickets and 20 runs. Now You See Him made 46 and took two. Phar Lap bowled like he'd just won the lottery...” Davo: “Technically...” Roger: “Not now, Davo.” Roger looked emotional. “But most importantly, they played for each other.” Pause. “They played for Australia.” Longer pause. Hand on heart. “And finally...” Roger removed his sunglasses. “They played for me.” Davo: “Steady on.”
Roger: “Two defeats and I had players eating Dutch cookies, talking to zebras, listening to Trump, getting smashed around the ground and producing batting spreadsheets with no bloody runs in them.” He pointed dramatically towards the pavilion. “Today I saw hunger. Desire. Commitment.” Pause. “Mainly because the tuck shop only gave everyone six chips.” Reporter: “Does this prove Roger Mullet hasn't lost the dressing room?” Roger smiled. “Lost it?” Pause. “Mate, half of them are too frightened to leave it.”
ASSISTANT MANAGER DAVO'S ASSESSMENT
Davo emerged carrying a paper plate containing three chips and approximately seven centimetres of boerewors. He stared at it sadly. Then at the reporters. “Well...” Long pause. “You little bloody ripper.” Reporter: “Thoughts on the performance, Davo?” “Made 239. Bowled 'em out. Won by 18.” Pause. “That's generally how the game works.” Reporter: “What changed after two consecutive defeats?” Davo thought carefully. “Roger completely lost his CENSORED.” Silence. “Very motivational.” Reporter: “And Action Replay?” “Five wickets. Magnificent.” “Now You See Him?” “Finally saw him.” “Alarm Clock?” Davo stared into the distance. Long silence. “Ninety balls.” Shook his head. “I had a marriage that felt shorter than that innings.” He took another chip. Reporter: “And Roger's Mullet Method?” Davo slowly looked across at Roger, who was posing for photographs with two blokes from the tree. “Mate...” Pause. “We won one game.” Another bite of boerewors. “Don't encourage him.”
Losing streak: OVER Roger Mullet: Vindicated, according to Roger Mullet Davo: Relieved Action Replay: Hero Now You See Him: Finally seen Phar Lap: Loaded
Alarm Clock: Still under performance review
Spreadsheet: Update unsuccessful
Burrowing Spinner's emergency hiding hole: Not required